Update in age

I have recently just turned 18 and I really don't know what that is supposed to mean in human terms. I mean I can vote..and get cigarettes and enter some 18+ spaces I suppose. But other than that, not much. I'm not an adult and won't consider myself anywhere near adult until I am in somewhat independent from my parents home,which isn't really possible at the time being. Oh I can get tried as an adult, so that's..fun. Nonetheless, I've just had to think about that briefly. Though the birthday celebration itself was great, Saturday night I went down to Ann Arbor and ate at a Japanese steakhouse and picked up a new vest. -loves vests- Additionally, Sunday I went to a Murder Mystery Dinner at the steampunk bookstore nearby, and that was great because nearly everybody was dressed up and fancy and it was soo neat, with damn good food as well. I also got a Kindle Fire for my birthday which I do declare to be the greatest of things. The greatest I tell you, reading and internet and music? All of my requirements for self-entertainment. Huzzah. So that was my birthday and now I am on break from school ready to relax and take advantage of the time off to have some fun.

18

I'm going to be 18 soon, which I hear is a rather relevant birthday i suppose. I would be able to vote and attend comedy clubs [guess which one is more personally relevant.] I would be able to just go to 18 and over panels at conventions..which is kind of nice. I wouldn't be very different..though I could be tried as an adult for any wrongdoing that I do. Not that I plan on causing such troubles any time soon. I don't have much motivation towards those type of activities. Or any type of activities lately. I've just been running on some kind of energy that's just getting things done for the sake of getting things done. It's unfortunate that things ended up that way.. but it's how my mind tends to work lately. Anyways in birthday news, my ma is planning to do something..interested for my birthday apparently Saturday night into Sunday. Which is a little scary for me personally. I have no idea what this could be and can't really imagine what she might be planning. It's really all so strange to me.  And also finals are coming up..but eh. I think I'll do okay as long as I get some kind of review in.

Blended whole

Ugh

For controversy regarding whether I even exist apparently. [not me in the literal sense but identity things]

Phantom wires

for discussion of nonhuman things that one may or may not consider to be legitimate[though they are quite important to me]

Conveying emotion through text

I'm not one for showing how I feel very often, and even when I attempt to do so, it fails horribly as I'm just not used to showing these damn human emotions. Oh the disconnect from understanding emotions, isn't it wonderful~ :| Nonetheless, the most difficulty I have is when I use text, I mean I seem to make my point fairly well while using text and I tend to be pretty decent at conveying sarcasm with regards to that sort of things. Sarcasm, the only thing I seem to be able to communicate worth crap in these days. -shrug- Nonetheless, when I do want to be..uh sincere(?) I tend to use emoticons. Not an obnoxious amount of them mind you but the occasionally smiley face to convey that I am indeed saying something nice or something of the sort. It seems to be the only way that people tell what i'm thinking lately, and even then, I must admit..I'm pretty difficult to read. Oh the joys of not being a very good communicator outside of the written word and even in these medium, I am reluctant to display any sort of emotion that comes to me because it comes so rarely and isn't typically expressed. Except when it concerns my own well-being, which I must say isn't a pretty picture when I think more about it.I don't specifically have a whole lot that I want to talk about other than that..so there's that.


In other news, I'm dreading going home for Thanksgiving. I don't want to leave my dorm. Not at all. I don't really care for seeing my family and  the whole holiday thing is greatly draining. But at least I'd see my cousin. But I have too much school work to deal with the holiday right now. Ugh.

Disconnect.

I’m not feeling much of anything lately. I tend to live in the mind and the disconnect between me and “human” is growing greatly. This I’m still adjusting to as for so long I suppose I assumed that i was..human just by the facts of my biology, similar to my reluctant female-status but both of those things are no longer suitable for identifying me which is a strange place to be for now. The most “human” I guess trait is my attachment to music. Holy hell, I really adore it..as much as I can adore anything. Still I could literally just stay in my room and read and listen to music and not be bothered with anyone else, I’d be okay. Well..I’d also use internet as a portal to the outside world more or less. I-I don’t even know what the point of this post was but I thought I’d put that out there.


The more that this disconnect seems to grow, the stranger I seem to feel. Things are just blurring more and more around me, and I really don't much care anymore about anything. I tend to wander the world possessed by my dreams and thoughts and ..I don't really know much about anything anymore. But this confusion does not upset. It's just something I seem to be experiencing.

Strange attractions.

Well, I have always been attracted to fictional characters. I might as well put that out there now. I still dream about characters being in more than friends relationships with me.(or at least a version of myself within that universe.Self-insert SUE ME) And usually I don't have a problem with this outside the "NO ONE MUST EVER KNOW ABOUT THIS at least not outside the internet :| " thought that follows me everywhere as I don't tend to share my feelings about people that don't exist. However this is a case that actually perturbs me a little bit. I have never been attracted to horror movie villains ever. I find them interesting when they're that way to me, but mostly I would never want to ever do more than write to them sometimes. And barely even that out of paranoia. So this leads to my surprise and mild disturbance when I find that I am actually very much attracted ( in a vaguely romantic mostly platonic way) to the uh duo from the original title of a series that I dare not name, that is how much I am embarrassed by the whole thing. Apparently it's rather common from what I seen, as I've noted confessions of people on horror-movie-confessions finding that they either ship the pair or would engage in a threesome with the two. And that they find them to be quite sexy. Me, I would rather just know them well and be close to them, though I'm uncertain if they would harm me in the process though I read one way not to get killed by a serial killer is to befriend and/or date them so...  While one half of the duo more resembles the typical bad-boy but still fascinating in his own way..it's my attraction to the other that really uh scares me. This other guy, he's attractive in the physical sense I suppose but the way he behaves is openly strange and a bit off-puting and not normally what I would look for in a guy at all. But I'm really drawn to him and it's really really strange to me and I don't know what to do. I should probably just shut up and fantasize already but the thought kind of concerns me because these feelings more or less developed out of nowhere.-sigh- Make the best of these feelings.

Thoughts on human vs other/

Hmm, I’m starting to realize that as time goes I really don’t feel human necessarily. Sure I experience some of the emotions [much to my chagrin] that I don’t express very well and I really don’t know how I am in relation to the human race other than the fact that I feel completely out of it.This isn’t a new feeling for me whatsoever, this just happens to be the first time that I’ve bothered trying to articulate it because well, I suspect people would just think I’m a bit out of it. A little too fanciful.”Of course you’re human! Look at you.” That’s what I image someone saying when I bother to say this to anyone. It’s bad enough that I have particular identifications that are rare as it is, to find that one doesn’t even much identify with the race with which they have a body type similar too. This is a distressing situation in a way to end up dealing with. Perhaps it’d be better if I didn’t have a physical body. I’m not necessarily certain.I’m just trying to get to the core of all this.And I have no idea where I’m going.


It's a really strange feeling to realize that you don't particularly feel a part of the "race" one has interacted with ever since birth, to varying success. While I have no idea what I could possibly really be, all I know is that things aren't they seem and I have to start looking at things from a certain perspective as the human thing isn't really working much out for me anymore. At least I don't particularly feel that way.

More talking

I attended my local con Youmacon last weekend and thoroughly enjoyed myself even though I wish that I had talked to a few more people, though I did meet this really awesome steampunker lady with a bumblebee based hat. It was really really awesome. Nonetheless, I thought I had a pretty neat outfit myself:

I was just being a cool fancy person, though I got understood for rule 63 Tuxedo Mask and Zatanna, which was fine with me. Recognition is recognition. I also saw a lot of my friends from other places there as well, which was pretty nice. Lately I've been trying to keep up with school things and adjust to having a dorm to myself. I still need a microwave but hopefully, I'll be getting it tonight.I honestly don't have a lot to discuss this post but perhaps sometime soon I might some kind of ire or angst or something to do a diatribe about for a few paragraphs.

A scene.

A scene, the scene, it's all the same. Everyone trying to prop themselves up so others would know their name. Everyone is heading out to the show, I'm going as well but they don't know. The boys are greased up, and tattooed even though most of the ladies are too. No in between, no beyond the divide, you're either a manly man, or a lovely doll. Girls are all done up to the nines, victory curls and updos all around. Most in dresses, all in heels, all trying to show that alternative sex appeal. Guys with creepers, jackets and jeans. Horror t-shirts, vests looking lean and mean. Everything such a fierce atmosphere with no room to breathe.If I show up looking as I do, would i get a reprieve. I love the music and the fashion is cool but there seems to be no way to mix the two.I'm neither here nor there when there is a conscious divide, I don't care to be a gal though I'll never be a guy. I see the hot rods pass by as I walk down the street, heading to the club where everyone will meet.Loud music blaring from each stereo, I'm tempted to dance as I go. But lo, I don't look like one of them, not of their scene, I'd get strange looks from everyone if I even dare start to sing. Petite kid, sneaker no heels, glasses, t-shirt and a tie to seal the deal, fingerless gloves, smeared lip gloss, they look a little smoky but nothing to be lost. Quiet demeanor, never a loudmouth but if the right song plays I'm ready to dance about. 

Outside the show, the crew is ready. Primping and making sure no one causes hell. Smokers amass, dark clouds gather in the air. I manage to walk near and hoping not to attract stares. The shyness in me things I should go home, but I want to see this band so bad, I really love them so. Everything is everything, going through mind, standing outside the door, biding my time. I observe the other showgoers, not knowing if they observe me. I'm sure there could be something to my invisibility.Finally the door is opened, I enter, handing over my ticket as a go. Some damn nice tunes are playing everywhere I go. I find myself a spot as I have no crew. I must keep here or someone will take it quickly, that I certainly knew.The audiences grows around me, I got make sure I can see. Hopefully no body will block the stage's visibility. Now I notice the looks, the glances the stares, the "what the fuck is she doing here?" I keep to myself still, I have to enjoy it alone. I will prove myself worthy of attending this show. 

The show starts, I wave at the lead and he blows a kiss back. That I didn't expect but hey, don't worry about that. The music plays and I getting dancing, quickly out of control. Moving across the floor in a way no one would know. Singing the songs out loud, as loud as I could. I shimmy, shake, slam and jam harder than I probably should. I acquire a few dance partners, though each last relatively brief. No one can really keep up with this tornado to this beat. Occasionally I find myself with a few kisses on my face. Where are these coming from, the people I can't quite place. All I know is I'm having fun and totally making the best. I wonder if anyone recognizes this androgyny with the binding of my chest. That a matter for another time not on the dance floor. I spin and sing and get picked and spun around some more. I don't care where I am going, I don't care with who. The music is my lover and for me that's nothing new. In the strangest of accidents I find myself dancing right on stage, everyone is going wild and I have nothing to say. I continue to move like a monster, nothing can stop me now. I must entertain while I can though I look like a child. Embrace the lead, crowd surf off stage, spin around several ladies, get swung swing-style. Movement and fun, laughter and joy. I could hope for nothing more, better than any toy. 

In the end, the show concludes and I depart the place a hero. I might not necessarily run with the scene but I'm surely no zero. Not some square to be beat, but a friend in all things grand. Fantastical, greatly original things that have not meaning other than because they are. Everything is everything go through my mind once again. I rifle through the numbers accumulated in my pocket and surely call them soon. But now I must rest from this spectacular adventure at the late-night show.

Complete Freak out

Here I was just enjoying my life getting ready for Youmacon this weekend when yesterday I find out that I completely bombed my midterm in Intro to C. As expected, I had to leave the classroom and freak the hell out before going to the school's psychologist. The whole thing was surely excruciating and I really hope that this situation can be rectified and I'm losing all sense of calm over this and wahhh. Sorry I didn't have much else to discuss for the time being outside of that. I might post something from my dreamwidth in the absence of a more extended regular post.

More things..including grades stress

Hello, I know I haven't written in a while but I've been busy with the end of Pride Week and other things. BUt mostly I've been freaking the hell out because of my grades. For some obnoxious reason, my college actually has freshman do midterm grades and I really don't think mine will be to good. I'm determined to raise my grades but I'm still rather nervous because I think they're sent to my parents. Which will be a bother. However, I feel that I'm doing rather better than my mother the first semester of school so far, so perhaps I shouldn't be as worried as much as I am. It's not like I'm in danger of failing or anything. I just need to do better to get the grades I'd be more comfortable with. 


But in other news, Halloween weekend is coming up and I hadn't done very much Halloween things this year, which is a bummer. So I probably will go to this Halloween party at my school dressed as some aristocrat type person. I have a nice tailcoat, walking stick, some black slacks, neat shoes and a decent shirt for the outfit. However, I desperately wish that I had a top hat. That would be great! But alas, no time to find one.-sigh- I figure at this party it's going to me girls dressed scandalously and boys dressed in a ridiculous fashion, most drinking and dancing. If I can get my mind off of my squash, I might be able to enjoy myself. Other than that I've been working on reading the complete works of H.P.Lovecraft. So good. and truly stories to keep one on the edge.


As for the end of Pride Week, I suppose I can say that I enjoyed myself, the only downer really was the apparent lack of communication. I didn't know that the bowling was canceled until the last minute, didn't know that the panel was canceled until I got there. Didn't know that nobody was there for the movie night on the last day, which really irritated me as I had waited at the location for at least an hour, hoping for someone to show up. I even contacted the head of the organization with no response.That was truly frustrating.


Lately, I've also been found out by my mother about wearing a binder and she doesn't support me getting rid of my breasts because it's "life-changing" and "I don't know myself and shit.." I know that I can change in the future but this seemed truly important to me because I get really dysphoric whenever I see my ridiculously huge breasts for my petite size. It sucks..I was just ready to return to campus after that wreck.

Tidings of Joy and Irritation

Greetings I have news from the offline world. Most importantly regarding coming out day and OUT! at LTU and friends. I attended the meeting last night after SODA rehearsal and it went fantastically. My friend went with and I came out to a few people using the cards that I had made in advance and it went over really people. They thought the cards were interesting.Huzzah. So I'm looking forward to getting closer to these very nice folks and pride week. Woooo. So that is pretty neat.


As the title mentions, I have tidings of joy, I have mentioned the joy part in the first part. And now for the irritation:warning,a little talk of biology and how it irritates me. 

A post about roleplaying plots and drama

warning,roleplaying and hetalia things.fyi, anthropomorphic nations..thus referred to Eduard-Estonia, Raivis-Latvia, Tino-Finland, Sweden-Berwald 

Things about Coming Out Day, school organizations and random adventures

Well, today is coming out day and I suppose I should make some sort of comment on whether I'm planning to do anything for the day. I suppose that I should and I do have something. I have drawn symbols all upon my life arm referring to the things I identify as such as the null symbol for neutrois, the ace of spades and gradient triangle for asexuality and the transyada symbol as well. I also have a few sheets of paper filled out with these symbols explaining their meaning and significance. However, the question is whether I will do anything regarding this. I kind of hope that the drawings will be noticed so I have the opportunity to explain myself fully, though because I'm not exactly outgoing, makes this process rather difficult. I wish I could just write this all out and have people read it instead of trying to verbalize it. Talking just makes me rather uncomfortable especially when it's about subjects that actually concern me in my personal life. Though I am out at least as asexual to a few people at my dorm, I did it accidentally last night [more on what happened later], Rashida and Lawrence, sophomores who I had recently befriended[well refriended with Rashida, we went to middle school and 2 years of high school toether] were in the car talking about some guy that they think  wasn't straight. They speculated possibly gay, before coming to the tentative point that he was asexual. At this point, I woo-ed, prompting them to ask whether I was asexual which I confirmed. It was rather easy.Hell, I wish coming out to other people would be as easy as that. I need to pick who i would come out to and when, why and how and it's just such a bother really. I think might just direct them to this blog instead. It appears to lay things out pretty neatly, even if it's a bit on the overly verbose side of things.


In related the news, Lawrence Tech's LGBTQ organization OUT! at LTU and Friends is having their first general meeting tonight. And I'm scared as hell.I know the organizer, Brandon and he's nice and my friend Kenny from Society of Dramatic Arts is going as well. But I'm still bleeding terrified. Because I really don't know how I'm supposed to explain these things about myself. I'm not gay, lesbian, bisexual..I'm kind of transgender, but neutrois is technically under genderqueer and goodness knows if they include asexuality under the rainbow soup. Well I think they do, they have the link to AVEN on the website which made me inexplicably happy.It is times like these where I wish I had a so much more confidence and some kind of support somehow. But now I'm just kind of in a strange place of what the fuck do I dooo~


Well to get my mind off of those anxieties, I've decided to talk about some random adventures that took place late last night. I was hanging out with some people on my floor when Howard, sophomore [I think] decided to lead us to what was an abandoned house for the longest time, except for the rather recent move-in of some people. So a group of about 6 people walked around midnight to the place and approached as close as most would go. I went a little bit closer the most, still Howard and a girl named Sammy went around to the backdoor but didn't go in. There was a lot of funny talk happening, surrounding the existence of "deercoon"-the offspring of a walrus and something else entirely random. It was great, just doing something for the hell of it. Heading back to the dorm, I met up with Lawrence and Rashida and went to McDonalds, on the way I outed myself as previously mentioned. And there were some random conversations there as well. All very much entertaining, totally worth staying up until 1:30 in the morning.No big deal.-shrug-


Well, now I have to go face the rest of the day, may post about something intermittently.

More things to know about

I forgot to mention this in my introduction post but something that should be known about me is that I am a nerd. And a geek. I am a nerd about geeky things and I am a geek about nerdy things. I love learning about what people are obsessed with as well as cultivating obsessions of my own. The main one of these obsessions is music, though in the past I have geeked out [and sometimes continue to do so] over history[ancient and presidential in particular], dance, art, books, pop culture[oh my 1980s period, oh dear that was something else, I'm still having moments of that carry over with me to this day. I mean, why else would a 17 year old know how to Vogue. And have seen all the classic 80s teen movies-though that's more of a tradition thing than anything else] Nonetheless, I like talking about the things that make me happy smile.[shh go with it]  

Something else that one should know. I do like anime, as much as I don't really try to keep up as much as I used to aspire to, I still have the series that I adore. I will always have a soft spot in my heart for Fruits Basket. And to a lesser degree Naruto, mostly because that series when in directions that i didn't care for whatsoever [I mean seriously, ASUMA SHOULD HAVE STAYED DEAD.DAMN IT.] I have an overbearing passion fo Case Closed/Detective Conan [what's not to love about a 17 year old genius trapped in a 10 year old body, solving mysteries and being a badass. ANd Tengen toppen gurren laggan, but that's a gimme there.[so many good times with that] Still, I figure there are series I should have watched and never bothered to take the time to and strangely enough I really don't regret it at all. I mean, TV Tropes exist for a reason. I really don't mind the spoilers at all, seriously. 

Another thing recently, is uh. Hetalia. personified countries. I roleplay as one of them, a magnificent nerd known as Estonia. But I suppose that just makes sense for me.Nerd portrays nerd, quite well. I have my sources in regards to that.

I also love lists,I love websites that do lists. And so I am addicted to Cracked, AV Club, explosm [webcomic], xkcd[webcomic], penny arcade[webcomic]topless robot[site for teh nerds] I know I mentioned as many webcomics as I did, but I love webcomics as well. Hmm in addition, I have a passion for Mythbusters, I used to love the History Channel [but they changed on me man, they CHANGED] and I do really enjoy Oddities[at least that's what I think the show is called, it's really cool though. It's about this shop in New York, that sells the weirdest crap, fantastic really].

Of course, I also really love video games, despite me not owning a console at the moment.Now I know "HOW THE HELL DO YOU LIKE VIDEO GAMES BUT DON'T PLAY THEM REGULARLY." Trust me I have my ways. And no need to yell at me, I do that enough myself.:|

I suppose that's all you should know about my passions for the time being. Music, which I hadn't much mentioned, needs a whole another post.Which will probably be more emotion-based. I'm not entirely sure.

Introduction among other nonsense

Greetings, my name is Mari Weaver and I decided to more or less reinvent myself.At last blogger wise. I have had an account on here before, which is actually still active. I just haven't had much to do with it in months which leads to me more or less abandoning it.Besides tumblr kind of got in the way of me writing about myself on that platform. Now I have opted to use my tumblr in less personal ways, more about rp-ing less about me really, I needed another platform to write about myself in a bit longer form. So I have returned to blogger once more in a new state of mind and new state period. But I think it's best for me to spend some time introducing myself.


I'm a freshman at Lawrence Technological University, though even that standing won't last for long, I could be a sophomore before this school year ends as I arrived with 12 credits from a dual-enrollment school. This shortens the expected time of me being here to perhaps the normal 4 years or less. In comparison to the expectation that students pursuing a bachelor's program here take about 5 years to graduate. There are larger than normal credit requirements,admittedly so I definitely understand why. Not to mention that some of them are double majoring. But that's not the point. I'm majoring in Computer Science with a concentration in Game Software Development, with which I hope to enter the gaming industry one day. It's always been something I've liked though the intensity of interest has greatly increased in the past few years. But that's another story, that I may write about soon.


To continue the introduction, I'm also a quasiromantic, neutrois asexual. Let's break these terms down just in case anyone might be unfamiliar.Asexual- having no sexual attraction to anyone [in my case in addition, I have no interest in having sex with anyone..as a repulsed asexual, the thought of me doing anything sexual completely squicks me out and terrifies me]. Neutrois-neither male or female and wanting to remove all secondary physical characteristics that may mark a person as such.[in my case, my breasts. I hate them. a lot.though once more that's a conversation for another time, perhaps soon.] Quasiromantic-this is something I found on transyada.net[awesome people] that resonates with me: resembling romantic, but not quite. [I can talk about preferred relationship ideas in another time as well]


Well now I've covered that, interests.I'm sorry everyone, I just have a tendency to ramble but I think the title covers that pretty well.I never knew I could talk so much and descriptively about myself okay?! Interests:, I really enjoy music of all sorts, though lately I've had an obsession with psychobilly,synthpop, and electronic music. I may or may not write separately about all these genres of music among others. I love to read and write about all kinds of things and I like to draw. Some drawing may end up on here because I'm a derp.


I think that's mostly it. You will see thoughts on college, friends[or lack thereof], activities, asexuality, gender, music, transyadas.all kinds of things that are relevant to my life as it happens. And hopefully I'll keep up with it. It seems rather promising so far.