Just a test post for an experiment.

A penguin foams past the biology.

School's Out

Finished my finals and am home for the summer. Good news: probably will have a part-time internship soon in addition to helping my friend with promoting online. Bad news: currently in a bit of a shitty mood. I really don't quite understand why, I think it's the loneliness that comes with being online and when you feel cut off from other online. When you're online and talking to people or doing something fun, you don't care about whatever else is going on. But when absolutely nothing of interest is going on.. you're kind of there ..alone ultimately. And then you start to get a little teared up and that's why I'm on skype desperately trying to talk to somebody that might help me feel a bit better...and it's kind of working a bit. People can make me laugh pretty easily. which is always a good thing. A distraction from feeling completely and utterly hopeless as a socially defective droid.

Well.. I didn't mean to get all emotional and stuff on here, but sometimes I have one of those spells that lead to necessary sharing of feelings. 

In other news, I've been writing a lot more fandom things that I enjoy thanks to inspiration provided via a new RP partner. Although I have to do it on a secret blog.. my main blog is still "in a relationship" though the partner went missing for over a month now. over a month with no hints of ever coming back. Just deactivate the damn blog already so character can get on with his life already. .. I don't even know what to do in that character. However, on the secret blog, happy awesome relationship featuring relations of.. a certain sort..sexual  which is actually quite interesting and fun to play out and such.

And also I have quite a few tags describing some form of awkwardness in life. Huh. Strange how that happens. Oh well.

Things done today

Hmm today I read this article in the Atlantic about the creator of Braid who is pretty much the most active critic of the gaming industry. And when I listen to some of the things said in the article, one I realize that this guy is a fascinating figure. Two, the guy definitely has a point about the overwhelming majority of current games being about guys shooting things. It's rather boring if I'm quite frank. Hopefully there'll be some creativity in the future, this guy kind of provided some sort of inspiration in regards to that..

Also, I read this article about a favorite artist of mine, rather controversial for some.. actions he has taken which garnered him quite a bit of notoriety. However, reading about the details of his most recent projects and tours kind of reminded me of why I liked him in the first place despite his.. behavior. Interesting person indeed.

I got a 4 out of 5 on  a quiz in Computer Science which makes me happy since I really needed a decent grade in that class. It is the closing time on this semester and I really need to get my things together which I'm working on. I just try to do the best I can/

Hysterical Morning

for topic reasons.

Psychologist Visits

Realization

I just noticed from my past several posts, all I've been really doing is documenting my lack of success on the relationship field. And complaining about my online class. That's not much of a read is it? Though I suppose my life isn't a whole lot to write home about. Maybe I can document some of the things I see on other sites on here. After all, this is a pretty good place to vent about such things and not worry that anyone much will find it. There's always that one person for reasons I don't know why keeps up with the occasional post. Thanks. Or maybe you don't even notice since you're not online often. That could be the case as well. No matter I guess. I think I should get to writing about something else every now and again. I mean I will probably continue to share my thoughts on people and whatever feelings may develop but at the moment, I just want to find other things to write about.

Also, I really need to get back into my fiction writing again. Usually having a mechanical muse would help with this..but sometimes I need a motivation to write in between classes or something. It would be really useful. And I need to do well in my classes but that's a given in most cases.

Wrecked chances and strange feelings

Well, lately I was kind of hurt by the advent of a relationship. Not on my part, no I'd be kind of weirdly happy about it and somewhat giddy. No, the guy that I was having some kind of intense platonic feelings for..at least to the point where I'd pursue some sort of platonic partnership with him. He has a girlfriend now. I wish I could have told him how I felt. And I regret not doing so a hell of a lot. But there really is nothing I can do about it. I can only hope for the best for those two and kind of move on. Does this mean I don't have feelings for him anymore? I doubt it, I still dream about him every now and again. but at the same time I've been focusing my dreams on fictional characters again so..that's nothing new for me.  So I don't know where I want to do now, this is just rather strange. I seem to be over it maybe because the nature of it was mostly platonic with affection, there wasn't some kind of overly strong attachment when it couldn't happen. I did cry and for a few hours I was a bit of a wreck. But, now I'm just kind of quietly indifferent. Though sometimes, I inwardly pretend to gag when I see the guy and his girlfriend get a little ...cuddly to the point where I think they might kiss. They never do,but I really fear that day somehow.  I don't even really know what to say about that anymore. I guess I don't have much to say regarding that.

As for fictional characters, well lately there's been this remake of the Lorax. I haven't even seen it..and frankly I don't much care to when I figured out a bit of the changes made. Still, I find myself drawn to the villain, the once-ler. See..um the movie made him into a human, a rather attractive one at that. And he has an awesome voice which took me by surprise when I listened to his songs from the movie..and a few clips with his speaking voice. It's really just.. very attractive. Sorry if I'm using to many eclipses, I do have this kind of pause in my thinking which I feel compelled to express in my writing somehow. So this results rather than some .-pause- It's not like I'm roleplaying right now.  But I just thought I'd bring that up since I've been having dreams about him lately..and alternate versions of him. It gets rather complex and I won't describe what goes on in those dreams because they get a little much for me. Not necessarily sexual, but it gets very suggestive to say the least.

On relationships and other things.

Well. In the midst of school fuckery and such, I…I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships. Albeit the kind I would pursue would be neither strictly platonic or romantic {though romantic gestures wouldn’t necessarily be rejected}.. it’s preferably be some kind of companionship with a fair dose of even slight physical affection regularly. (sometimes more sometimes not. It really depends) And then I stop to consider I think more about something I would like than actually pursuing it. I wonder why I do this why I seem to get caught up in the thinking of the arrangement rather than going out and getting it.. I don’t really know. I know I want it pretty badly, it’s just that I’m terrible at trying to say anything about these thoughts. Curse this weakness in verbal communication.

Also, I'm almost certain I bombed a test today..which isn't particularly pleasant whatsoever.

But at least I'll go to see Apocalyptic Movie as part of Geek Week tonight. I need to relieve some madness so there is that.

Grrr

For rambling and uncomfortable feelings.

Update on things

Indeed it's been a while since I've last posted on this thing. I blame tumblr. Legitimately. But that's beside the point. Um, lately there's been the usual school, rehearsal cycle. And this past Saturday I played a concert so there's that. In addition, I've started wearing eyeliner and cat-eye glasses that I picked up from Ann Arbor. I think the look works for me.. and everyone has told me that they like the frames. So ..-shrug- Also I attended a fish fry with Elizabeth last Friday which was overall quite pleasant. Nothing like some good fish with a good friend. 


Well I still don't like my online class professor very much at all. That's really nothing new not to mention, the crap he puts the class through. It's just the way he tends to load things on all at once. Does no one have an opportunity to get things done for once? Ugh, I genuinely can't wait for spring break.  In the mean time I've been listening to a lot of dubset.com lately. If you don't know, it's an incredible site where one can listen to a variety of DJ sets in a large collection of genres. It's pretty great, and I've found out that I really do like some Hard House music. 


Personal life in college, somewhat non-existent outside of SODA. No big deal, though lately I've had the misfortune to develop some sort of complicated feelings for one of the guys in the organization. It's not strictly platonic, if it were, there would be no problem. And it's not necessarily completely romantic either since uh it would be easier to explain if it were. But no, it's some strange desire for a sort of affectionate companionship. Where we're close friend but we kind of do..uh things that could me read as romantic. Like holding hands, cuddling..kissing maybe? Idk. But I suppose the term is Schrodinger's dating [they're dating and not dating at the same time..WHOA ] yes, I would like to participate in such an arrangement very much with this one guy. But knowing me, I'll likely never tell him. Alas. Such is how my life goes.

I really need to stop being so attracted to this guy in my theatre organization. It's not a terrible attraction and I will likely not act on it whatsoever. However, I can't help but think he would be good to hug.. and maybe kiss, I don't really know. But I do like the idea of being cuddly and holding hands with him. But still being pretty chill. What does this mean ugh.. and it doesn't help that there is at least on other guy that I feel this way about. And still, I will likely never tell him either. So I just sit in silence. Thinking about what could never happen.

Another post

A figure haunts the backgrounds of many and comes to the forefront more often than anyone would dare admit. However, he is his space rather easily. In a time where everything is expected at once and no patience is spared, where stimulus is directed at people constantly. It's rather easy for this figure to gain prominence among people. Especially the youth. Oh the youth, among whom his presence is damn near omnipotent. One would describe him as slovenly regal.. but even then that implies some effort to look regal. There is no trying, no sense of caring. A complete boredom and indifference to surroundings. This figure remains rather present in all.. and I must admit is a rather good friend of mine. At least when it comes to certain things. It's easy to let his presence slip over you when fading out of caring about something, anything anyone. When one is so detached from the general experience of those they go through life with though with greatly differing perspective, it's so convenient to let the figure slip over and protect one from getting hurt. I've done it time and time again. Perhaps one day I'll break out from under his hold, but is it inherently bad that I seriously have my doubts?


That was a small writing that I had recently gotten around to doing.
Not that I hadn't been writing quite a bit lately, I have but a lot of it hadn't been so directly personal. Because I roleplay so regularly, I'm often more invested in whatever happens to my character than myself. My life is just so..ordinary in it's routine and while my character's is sometimes the same, knowing that he is definitely not ordinary in ways that I can easily define so I can get invested in all the things he gets involved in. Okay, okay, I admit to have been writing drabbles about a pairing involving my rp-character and that's been taking up quite a bit of my time.  That's really why I had gotten to personal in my writing. I really don't see too much of a problem with it though. People really do seem to enjoy my drabbles, at least those who have seen them. I was referred to as a daughter of Aphrodite. Which I find amusing as I would clearly be a creation of Hephaestus before being any kind of daughter of Aphrodite. But I guess that means I'm fairly good at romantic writing. At least when it comes to this pairing, as I really don't care for anything else. I can admit to being rather selfish in my intentions, that's why I very rarely share my results..I share with people who I know will more than likely accept my pairing and my writing. ..In any measure the writing seems to come across fairly well. So I'm glad that people appreciate my writing style at the very least, if not the subject matter from time to time. 

Irritation.

New Semester

Hmm I’m kind of looking forward to this new semester though I have to get my act a bit more together. At least grades wise. I must end up working a bit harder. Sure, it doesn’t matter once you’re out of college but..when you’re right in the middle of it..it matters. But then again, that’s the expectations I have for myself more than anything else talking. Nonetheless, I’m just looking to make the most of it. And also new roommate. Hopefully that isn’t a catastrophe. Not like the last one necessarily was but they moved out for reasons I still have no bleeding clue about. -shrug- humans. 


I'm going to be taking development of American thought, Game Genre Development, Computer Science 1 (intro to c++ programming) and honors calculus 2. Not a lot of classes, but I'm almost certain I'll have to do a fair amount of crap for them. So I can't say I'm thrilled. Though I'm interested in the Game Genre Development and the development of american thought class.(kind of has always been a social science type in spare time)