Conveying emotion through text

I'm not one for showing how I feel very often, and even when I attempt to do so, it fails horribly as I'm just not used to showing these damn human emotions. Oh the disconnect from understanding emotions, isn't it wonderful~ :| Nonetheless, the most difficulty I have is when I use text, I mean I seem to make my point fairly well while using text and I tend to be pretty decent at conveying sarcasm with regards to that sort of things. Sarcasm, the only thing I seem to be able to communicate worth crap in these days. -shrug- Nonetheless, when I do want to be..uh sincere(?) I tend to use emoticons. Not an obnoxious amount of them mind you but the occasionally smiley face to convey that I am indeed saying something nice or something of the sort. It seems to be the only way that people tell what i'm thinking lately, and even then, I must admit..I'm pretty difficult to read. Oh the joys of not being a very good communicator outside of the written word and even in these medium, I am reluctant to display any sort of emotion that comes to me because it comes so rarely and isn't typically expressed. Except when it concerns my own well-being, which I must say isn't a pretty picture when I think more about it.I don't specifically have a whole lot that I want to talk about other than that..so there's that.


In other news, I'm dreading going home for Thanksgiving. I don't want to leave my dorm. Not at all. I don't really care for seeing my family and  the whole holiday thing is greatly draining. But at least I'd see my cousin. But I have too much school work to deal with the holiday right now. Ugh.

Disconnect.

I’m not feeling much of anything lately. I tend to live in the mind and the disconnect between me and “human” is growing greatly. This I’m still adjusting to as for so long I suppose I assumed that i was..human just by the facts of my biology, similar to my reluctant female-status but both of those things are no longer suitable for identifying me which is a strange place to be for now. The most “human” I guess trait is my attachment to music. Holy hell, I really adore it..as much as I can adore anything. Still I could literally just stay in my room and read and listen to music and not be bothered with anyone else, I’d be okay. Well..I’d also use internet as a portal to the outside world more or less. I-I don’t even know what the point of this post was but I thought I’d put that out there.


The more that this disconnect seems to grow, the stranger I seem to feel. Things are just blurring more and more around me, and I really don't much care anymore about anything. I tend to wander the world possessed by my dreams and thoughts and ..I don't really know much about anything anymore. But this confusion does not upset. It's just something I seem to be experiencing.

Strange attractions.

Well, I have always been attracted to fictional characters. I might as well put that out there now. I still dream about characters being in more than friends relationships with me.(or at least a version of myself within that universe.Self-insert SUE ME) And usually I don't have a problem with this outside the "NO ONE MUST EVER KNOW ABOUT THIS at least not outside the internet :| " thought that follows me everywhere as I don't tend to share my feelings about people that don't exist. However this is a case that actually perturbs me a little bit. I have never been attracted to horror movie villains ever. I find them interesting when they're that way to me, but mostly I would never want to ever do more than write to them sometimes. And barely even that out of paranoia. So this leads to my surprise and mild disturbance when I find that I am actually very much attracted ( in a vaguely romantic mostly platonic way) to the uh duo from the original title of a series that I dare not name, that is how much I am embarrassed by the whole thing. Apparently it's rather common from what I seen, as I've noted confessions of people on horror-movie-confessions finding that they either ship the pair or would engage in a threesome with the two. And that they find them to be quite sexy. Me, I would rather just know them well and be close to them, though I'm uncertain if they would harm me in the process though I read one way not to get killed by a serial killer is to befriend and/or date them so...  While one half of the duo more resembles the typical bad-boy but still fascinating in his own way..it's my attraction to the other that really uh scares me. This other guy, he's attractive in the physical sense I suppose but the way he behaves is openly strange and a bit off-puting and not normally what I would look for in a guy at all. But I'm really drawn to him and it's really really strange to me and I don't know what to do. I should probably just shut up and fantasize already but the thought kind of concerns me because these feelings more or less developed out of nowhere.-sigh- Make the best of these feelings.

Thoughts on human vs other/

Hmm, I’m starting to realize that as time goes I really don’t feel human necessarily. Sure I experience some of the emotions [much to my chagrin] that I don’t express very well and I really don’t know how I am in relation to the human race other than the fact that I feel completely out of it.This isn’t a new feeling for me whatsoever, this just happens to be the first time that I’ve bothered trying to articulate it because well, I suspect people would just think I’m a bit out of it. A little too fanciful.”Of course you’re human! Look at you.” That’s what I image someone saying when I bother to say this to anyone. It’s bad enough that I have particular identifications that are rare as it is, to find that one doesn’t even much identify with the race with which they have a body type similar too. This is a distressing situation in a way to end up dealing with. Perhaps it’d be better if I didn’t have a physical body. I’m not necessarily certain.I’m just trying to get to the core of all this.And I have no idea where I’m going.


It's a really strange feeling to realize that you don't particularly feel a part of the "race" one has interacted with ever since birth, to varying success. While I have no idea what I could possibly really be, all I know is that things aren't they seem and I have to start looking at things from a certain perspective as the human thing isn't really working much out for me anymore. At least I don't particularly feel that way.

More talking

I attended my local con Youmacon last weekend and thoroughly enjoyed myself even though I wish that I had talked to a few more people, though I did meet this really awesome steampunker lady with a bumblebee based hat. It was really really awesome. Nonetheless, I thought I had a pretty neat outfit myself:

I was just being a cool fancy person, though I got understood for rule 63 Tuxedo Mask and Zatanna, which was fine with me. Recognition is recognition. I also saw a lot of my friends from other places there as well, which was pretty nice. Lately I've been trying to keep up with school things and adjust to having a dorm to myself. I still need a microwave but hopefully, I'll be getting it tonight.I honestly don't have a lot to discuss this post but perhaps sometime soon I might some kind of ire or angst or something to do a diatribe about for a few paragraphs.

A scene.

A scene, the scene, it's all the same. Everyone trying to prop themselves up so others would know their name. Everyone is heading out to the show, I'm going as well but they don't know. The boys are greased up, and tattooed even though most of the ladies are too. No in between, no beyond the divide, you're either a manly man, or a lovely doll. Girls are all done up to the nines, victory curls and updos all around. Most in dresses, all in heels, all trying to show that alternative sex appeal. Guys with creepers, jackets and jeans. Horror t-shirts, vests looking lean and mean. Everything such a fierce atmosphere with no room to breathe.If I show up looking as I do, would i get a reprieve. I love the music and the fashion is cool but there seems to be no way to mix the two.I'm neither here nor there when there is a conscious divide, I don't care to be a gal though I'll never be a guy. I see the hot rods pass by as I walk down the street, heading to the club where everyone will meet.Loud music blaring from each stereo, I'm tempted to dance as I go. But lo, I don't look like one of them, not of their scene, I'd get strange looks from everyone if I even dare start to sing. Petite kid, sneaker no heels, glasses, t-shirt and a tie to seal the deal, fingerless gloves, smeared lip gloss, they look a little smoky but nothing to be lost. Quiet demeanor, never a loudmouth but if the right song plays I'm ready to dance about. 

Outside the show, the crew is ready. Primping and making sure no one causes hell. Smokers amass, dark clouds gather in the air. I manage to walk near and hoping not to attract stares. The shyness in me things I should go home, but I want to see this band so bad, I really love them so. Everything is everything, going through mind, standing outside the door, biding my time. I observe the other showgoers, not knowing if they observe me. I'm sure there could be something to my invisibility.Finally the door is opened, I enter, handing over my ticket as a go. Some damn nice tunes are playing everywhere I go. I find myself a spot as I have no crew. I must keep here or someone will take it quickly, that I certainly knew.The audiences grows around me, I got make sure I can see. Hopefully no body will block the stage's visibility. Now I notice the looks, the glances the stares, the "what the fuck is she doing here?" I keep to myself still, I have to enjoy it alone. I will prove myself worthy of attending this show. 

The show starts, I wave at the lead and he blows a kiss back. That I didn't expect but hey, don't worry about that. The music plays and I getting dancing, quickly out of control. Moving across the floor in a way no one would know. Singing the songs out loud, as loud as I could. I shimmy, shake, slam and jam harder than I probably should. I acquire a few dance partners, though each last relatively brief. No one can really keep up with this tornado to this beat. Occasionally I find myself with a few kisses on my face. Where are these coming from, the people I can't quite place. All I know is I'm having fun and totally making the best. I wonder if anyone recognizes this androgyny with the binding of my chest. That a matter for another time not on the dance floor. I spin and sing and get picked and spun around some more. I don't care where I am going, I don't care with who. The music is my lover and for me that's nothing new. In the strangest of accidents I find myself dancing right on stage, everyone is going wild and I have nothing to say. I continue to move like a monster, nothing can stop me now. I must entertain while I can though I look like a child. Embrace the lead, crowd surf off stage, spin around several ladies, get swung swing-style. Movement and fun, laughter and joy. I could hope for nothing more, better than any toy. 

In the end, the show concludes and I depart the place a hero. I might not necessarily run with the scene but I'm surely no zero. Not some square to be beat, but a friend in all things grand. Fantastical, greatly original things that have not meaning other than because they are. Everything is everything go through my mind once again. I rifle through the numbers accumulated in my pocket and surely call them soon. But now I must rest from this spectacular adventure at the late-night show.

Complete Freak out

Here I was just enjoying my life getting ready for Youmacon this weekend when yesterday I find out that I completely bombed my midterm in Intro to C. As expected, I had to leave the classroom and freak the hell out before going to the school's psychologist. The whole thing was surely excruciating and I really hope that this situation can be rectified and I'm losing all sense of calm over this and wahhh. Sorry I didn't have much else to discuss for the time being outside of that. I might post something from my dreamwidth in the absence of a more extended regular post.