Realization

I just noticed from my past several posts, all I've been really doing is documenting my lack of success on the relationship field. And complaining about my online class. That's not much of a read is it? Though I suppose my life isn't a whole lot to write home about. Maybe I can document some of the things I see on other sites on here. After all, this is a pretty good place to vent about such things and not worry that anyone much will find it. There's always that one person for reasons I don't know why keeps up with the occasional post. Thanks. Or maybe you don't even notice since you're not online often. That could be the case as well. No matter I guess. I think I should get to writing about something else every now and again. I mean I will probably continue to share my thoughts on people and whatever feelings may develop but at the moment, I just want to find other things to write about.

Also, I really need to get back into my fiction writing again. Usually having a mechanical muse would help with this..but sometimes I need a motivation to write in between classes or something. It would be really useful. And I need to do well in my classes but that's a given in most cases.

Wrecked chances and strange feelings

Well, lately I was kind of hurt by the advent of a relationship. Not on my part, no I'd be kind of weirdly happy about it and somewhat giddy. No, the guy that I was having some kind of intense platonic feelings for..at least to the point where I'd pursue some sort of platonic partnership with him. He has a girlfriend now. I wish I could have told him how I felt. And I regret not doing so a hell of a lot. But there really is nothing I can do about it. I can only hope for the best for those two and kind of move on. Does this mean I don't have feelings for him anymore? I doubt it, I still dream about him every now and again. but at the same time I've been focusing my dreams on fictional characters again so..that's nothing new for me.  So I don't know where I want to do now, this is just rather strange. I seem to be over it maybe because the nature of it was mostly platonic with affection, there wasn't some kind of overly strong attachment when it couldn't happen. I did cry and for a few hours I was a bit of a wreck. But, now I'm just kind of quietly indifferent. Though sometimes, I inwardly pretend to gag when I see the guy and his girlfriend get a little ...cuddly to the point where I think they might kiss. They never do,but I really fear that day somehow.  I don't even really know what to say about that anymore. I guess I don't have much to say regarding that.

As for fictional characters, well lately there's been this remake of the Lorax. I haven't even seen it..and frankly I don't much care to when I figured out a bit of the changes made. Still, I find myself drawn to the villain, the once-ler. See..um the movie made him into a human, a rather attractive one at that. And he has an awesome voice which took me by surprise when I listened to his songs from the movie..and a few clips with his speaking voice. It's really just.. very attractive. Sorry if I'm using to many eclipses, I do have this kind of pause in my thinking which I feel compelled to express in my writing somehow. So this results rather than some .-pause- It's not like I'm roleplaying right now.  But I just thought I'd bring that up since I've been having dreams about him lately..and alternate versions of him. It gets rather complex and I won't describe what goes on in those dreams because they get a little much for me. Not necessarily sexual, but it gets very suggestive to say the least.

On relationships and other things.

Well. In the midst of school fuckery and such, I…I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships. Albeit the kind I would pursue would be neither strictly platonic or romantic {though romantic gestures wouldn’t necessarily be rejected}.. it’s preferably be some kind of companionship with a fair dose of even slight physical affection regularly. (sometimes more sometimes not. It really depends) And then I stop to consider I think more about something I would like than actually pursuing it. I wonder why I do this why I seem to get caught up in the thinking of the arrangement rather than going out and getting it.. I don’t really know. I know I want it pretty badly, it’s just that I’m terrible at trying to say anything about these thoughts. Curse this weakness in verbal communication.

Also, I'm almost certain I bombed a test today..which isn't particularly pleasant whatsoever.

But at least I'll go to see Apocalyptic Movie as part of Geek Week tonight. I need to relieve some madness so there is that.

Grrr

For rambling and uncomfortable feelings.

Update on things

Indeed it's been a while since I've last posted on this thing. I blame tumblr. Legitimately. But that's beside the point. Um, lately there's been the usual school, rehearsal cycle. And this past Saturday I played a concert so there's that. In addition, I've started wearing eyeliner and cat-eye glasses that I picked up from Ann Arbor. I think the look works for me.. and everyone has told me that they like the frames. So ..-shrug- Also I attended a fish fry with Elizabeth last Friday which was overall quite pleasant. Nothing like some good fish with a good friend. 


Well I still don't like my online class professor very much at all. That's really nothing new not to mention, the crap he puts the class through. It's just the way he tends to load things on all at once. Does no one have an opportunity to get things done for once? Ugh, I genuinely can't wait for spring break.  In the mean time I've been listening to a lot of dubset.com lately. If you don't know, it's an incredible site where one can listen to a variety of DJ sets in a large collection of genres. It's pretty great, and I've found out that I really do like some Hard House music. 


Personal life in college, somewhat non-existent outside of SODA. No big deal, though lately I've had the misfortune to develop some sort of complicated feelings for one of the guys in the organization. It's not strictly platonic, if it were, there would be no problem. And it's not necessarily completely romantic either since uh it would be easier to explain if it were. But no, it's some strange desire for a sort of affectionate companionship. Where we're close friend but we kind of do..uh things that could me read as romantic. Like holding hands, cuddling..kissing maybe? Idk. But I suppose the term is Schrodinger's dating [they're dating and not dating at the same time..WHOA ] yes, I would like to participate in such an arrangement very much with this one guy. But knowing me, I'll likely never tell him. Alas. Such is how my life goes.